imthehotterissue

I’ll make this post short, but I have made up my mind for real.

YOU, Chocolate love, had taught me one thing today.

So I have to make this decision.

I’ll lose this game we’re having, but I am never going to lose you.

I’ll only lose my potential boyfriend, but never my friend. NEVER YOU.

You proved me how great as a friend you are.

I still love you, AND it’s fine.

I let you go now, even though AT the end of the day,

(allow me to use this one line in my new favorite song..)

THE ONLY THING THAT’S MISSING IN MY LIFE.. IS YOU.

TODAY, 111809, a day of smiles. I haven’t been writing for days, and I realize that. And so, here’s this post (:

I never thought I could smile. Anyway, finally I could, truly. For the past weeks, my smiles are obviously fake. I’ve been faking the whole time. I make people believe that I am happy and moving forward. And today, I am very glad to say that I am finally smiling, for real. I am not pretending to be happy anymore. I’ve made up my mind. And there’s one thing I have chosen to believe in — He never liked me. And maybe, even in time, he never will. He’ll never be able to prove everything he told me. He’ll never give himself the chance. And that is why I am now moving forward, alone, but happy.

I am very much used to being alone anyway. It won’t bother me anymore. When the time comes that he realizes what he had missed, and what he’s missing, I’ll make sure I’ll stick around  to make him suffer a tidbit.

I am not mean. I am just plainly dumped by someone who made me fall but didn’t catch me. But who cares? HAHAHA. Definitely not me. I don’t care. I don’t mind. This way we could both do what we want.

Single and ready to mingle.

Happy, and emotionally unavailable.

But still happy anyway.

<3 Hugs beautiful people (:

This is my last chance to make you mine.

Remind me again why I am writing this? haha.

It’s plain stupid, abnormal, crazy, how I think about you, and then find myself denying. Maybe I cannot move forward in a second, but trust me, soon, I will.  I have never crashed before, so I have no idea how I’ll take things one step at a time. I’ve never really wanted something and not have it in my hands, it’s driving me crazy. I have always had what I wanted, of course not everything, but this is me. I have a way of getting what I want, the very moment I start wanting it.

I guess you are the exception, and I am giving up already. I know I haven’t tried everything, BUT I won’t waste my time and effort for someone who doesn’t give a damn about my existence, anymore. You want to know more about me?

Here’s my piece.

I don’t always smile, yes. But when someone I like is somewhere near me, my heart smiles— a lot.The moment I start liking a person, I see all goodness. I see his strengths, and understand his weaknesses. Come on, we all get weak once in a while. We can’t expect a person to be perfect, of course every one of us has flaws, and some personal issues we plan to solve amongst ourselves.

When I like someone, it seems forever before I forget the person. I never really try to get rid of the feeling, I just keep it in and then I move forward. I don’t hate people, because I don’t want to be hated. I dislike the thought of having to hate people just because they hate or dislike me. I may say stuff about how I despise some people and things around me, but trust me, I don’t mean that. The only exceptions are FISH and DOGS. I hate them, for real.

I seem happier when I am sad. I’m a little too hyper, too energetic to imagine. I smile a lot and it shall become obvious. I try my best to make myself look, think and feel happy. It’s effective sometimes.

When I’m happy, everything is normal, except for the fact that I can’t stop myself from smiling. My lips curve themselves into the perfect shape of a smile. I don’t think people see me smile often. i am pretty much grumpy — most of the fcuken time. Personal choice.

I don’t like make up, lipsticks, whatever. But I love pink, never a favorite color though. I like Purple, Yellow and Green more. I have KIKAY issues, I don’t like them.

I cry about the littlest of things. It makes me laugh at myself after.

My friends say I bring the best out of people, even those who I don’t really know. I become closer to people who seek my advice, because I seriously can be a serious person.

I think the best thing about a person is the fact that he stands up to his words. he proves what he says. He puts his words into action. I think being able to give proof to what you say is what is important.

You don’t have to say you love people. You show it to them. You prove it.

Gahd, and what have I written today? :P

Chocolate Love,

Guess what? I’m doing my best to move forward. I know I said I’ll wait til whenever, but I realized that I shouldn’t anymore. I have a face to protect. My own pride to treasure. I don’t like the fact that I am this normal and I wait for someone as abnormal as you. Just one last thing.. I really wanted to say this to you.

I’m sorry, I cannot be her.I won’t be her, ever.

And I will never try to be her, because I love how I am.

You have no idea how much I want to talk to you. You have no idea how much I want to stop myself from feeling this kind of feeling. It’s fcuken annoying, but I have to bear with myself —- which makes things even more annoying.

I am happy now, even though seeing you makes me melt. Hearing you makes me want to walk out of the fcuken room because it makes me like you more. I don’t want to say It’s Over, because it is not.

Or maybe, it already is over for us, really.

I don’t want to wait for long. I’m not in a rush but I think I deserve some clues. Although I know, for you, there’s nothing anymore. I may sound bitter sometimes, but you really deserve to be called a loser right now.I don’t mean this, I know — But lemme just say that I HATE YOU AND ONLY YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. Like I said, I did not mean that. But please, BELIEVE that I do.

You lucky moron being liked by a person like me. I am not a princess, I will never be one. But to people I want to be somebody. And I am obviously not somebody to you. You make me feel like I don’t matter. With you around, I feel like I have never existed. So thank you.This is exactly the way I wanted to feel. Thank you.

For saying that you like me, thank you.

For holding my hand and putting it near your face, thank you.

For sleeping beside me with our arms around each other, thank you.

For letting me fall without having the intention of catching me, thank you.

For making me hope for the impossible, thank you.

For making me love you, thank you very very much.

This may or may not be the end of it all, I swear. But like the bubble that you are, I hope these feelings I have for you will disappear when I wake up tomorrow.

I love you, but not anymore.

I’ve always thought about what would happen when I aim for a fresh start. I don’t know why, but every single fucking time I say it’s over, something always happens, and I’ll change my mind all the time. I hate letting him juggle me like some kind of toy that he’ll only use when there’s no other toys he could play with. I am always up for the rebound, and I am starting to hate that idea.

Now which path should I choose? There are three options.

First, is the Give Up road. The road I have never, in my whole life, wanted to pass. If I walk through this road, it leads to forgetting, minimal pain, absolute individuality. I’ll have more time for myself. I could be the person I could be — which I don’t know yet. Plus this is the path my friends want me to take. And I don’t really know. The one thing I know is that if I start walking through this road, I will continuously disappoint myself, knowing that I gave up the one thing that is precious to me— the Happiness of my own heart.

Next is the Stay Here Path. This is where I am continuously walking circles in. This is where I am stuck. If I choose to stay here, I will be in a Happy-Sad mood, if you know what I mean.I’ll be happy when he’s beside me, though we’re both not saying anything, and sad when he’s not beside me, even though he’s around, and he’s completely ignoring the fact that I exist. If I choose to stay here, people that I like, and some people who are very much dear to me, will be disappointed. But I won’t disappoint myself,anyway.

The third and last option is the Ignorance Path. Here, I’ll keep myself from the whole world, enjoy my loneliness and not fear the fact that I am alone. I’ll keep my emotions to myself, try and act happily even though I am not. Choosing this road will make me totally suck.

All I mean to say in this post is that, when I decide, I think of all the possible options. I don’t just listen to what people tell me to do. I humbly take their advices into consideration, and weigh them. People may want the best for me, but some may just want to see me stop trying. Most of the time, the key to my own happiness is to be happy. So I have to do what makes me happy, and forget what makes me sad. Decide for myself and not for other people. Sometimes, I will have to be selfish just to give myself some love and respect. Remember that before the others love me, I have to love myself first.

And yes, I screw up sometimes and that is my fault. But I will never stop doing what I want to do, until I get it right. I’ll do it, not for others, but for myself. I’ll do my best until whenever. (:

And yeah, if it’s the decision I’m about to make. It will be a mixture of 2 and 3. I don’t give up, I give. And trust me, this may be the dumbest thing I would do ever, but to tell you the truth, this is the first time in a year that I have thought about someone so much. And this is the second time I fell for the person I used to offer my absolute hatred to. And the first time I have wanted a hand so much. SO I’ll risk it.

And yes, please. If you don’t mind, PLEASE, Gimme a break.

Isn’t it funny how people relate the songs they like to their love lives, or their life in general? I know, I sometimes relate myself to the songs I listen to. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. Thing is, when we do this relate-stuff, do we actually mean it?

I never heard what you were singing earlier today. I don’t know if that was meant for me to hear, and I just realized I can be ignorant enough to not listen to you. Your presence, until now, it still bothers me. I’m in a state where I am trying to move forward, without waiting for any step you’re going to make. I’m fine on my own. I’ve been technically, loveless for the past two years. I don’t think another year’s gonna hurt.

I don’t mind you liking other girls. I like other guys, too, if you must know. If there’s somebody I will prioritize, it could’ve been you, but it’s almost over now, right? I never knew your real feelings. You never gave yourself the chance to tell me. Don’t you realize that you’re given your mouth with the lips the tongue the teeth and saliva so you’d be able to talk? How come you never talked to me? Although I am so much fine with that, I would appreciate some effort from you. I’ve done my part. I waited, I became patient. I understood your jitters and everything you’ve said and done—— I have believed those.

I wonder if I can still believe you when the real deal starts? Haha. I used to be so good at this game. How come I am starting to lose? It sometimes makes me feel stupid. I guess this is what love does to people. We fall through the sweet unmeant gestures, realize that all the sweetness are lies, and learn to accept bitter facts —- Nothing is real, nothing is true. We learn right? But, right now, how come I never do?

I never learned anything since this heart started calling out for you.

Hello dearies! Have you gotten anything up your sleeves ready? Damn, I am happy today. I just got my grades, and they’refine. I have to do my best this coming semester though. Well, it isn’t too late to get back in the line, is it?

I am pretty much in a bad mood now, because I have a really disturbed sleep, and that sucked,big-O. But hey, I can’t let this get into me. LOL. I should take things lightly if I want a fresh start.

Yes, indeed, a fresh start. See, I have this deal with a couple of friends, and I’d like to keep my word. We’ll be Geeks who are lots of fun this sem. Sure, we’ll drink occasionally, but we can’t let our studies fall because of that. I guess I’ll be reading books, and stuff like those. I’d be organizing my stuff more, and I’ll do a lot of studying while I have enough time. Yes, I’ll be doing my best, really. I have to do this. Yes, yes. :)

So, is there anything I can do for you? Haha. Like be the girl friend, the wife, the lover, or something like that? Hahaha. If you sort of don’t do anything, I’ll include you on my fresh start. By the start of second sem, I might not write about you anymore. I’ll try my best to kick you out of my system, and  yes, I’ll do my best to befriend you,if that will be possible. Thank you for everything. I’m happy I got a chance to feel this way again. This is all new to me, I never really liked anyone for the past two years. (Well there’s  Arenz, but he was just some crush anyway, so I guess we’re cool.) Haha. I never thought you’d be the person to make this things possible. The weakness of my heart was strengthened by the pain you have given me. So thank you, for making me strong.

However, despite writing all that stuff above, I know I got to believe. Not in magic, but in you. I don’t want to be the loser who will regret things for the rest of my life. I don’t care what happens next, because all I know is —— I tried.

There’s exactly 5 hours, and 5 minutes left before your birthday.

빅뱅의 랩어에게
YG엔터테인먼트에 있는 그룹
대한민국의 음악 산업에 제일 중요한 부분
내 진한 친구
내친구
내 꿈
내 사랑
내 인생.

Here is what I wrote for you today.

Dearest ChoiSeungHyun.

It has been two years, since I first saw you in that fic. You had the most annoying yet the hottest character in that fanfic I found. There, you have the role of a playboy, who breaks girls’ hearts after having a great time with them. But despite that, there is only one girl who owned your heart since your childhood. You do things for her, and you’ll even offer your life for her. At first, the girl doesn’t like you, she hates you for real. But then as thestory progresses, she falls in love with you, the play boy. And the story becomes the best story ever.

Having met you on that fic made me fall in love with you instantly. I know this sounds crazy, but you had me right then and there. Your eyes are the gun, and your stare is the bullet. And you shot me through the heart, and I cannot get you out from where that bullet stuck.

The moment I started to like Big bang, my only dream is to see you, talk to you, or even just to see you smile in person. But I can’t because I am just a fan, we have different worlds, and we have what they call a language barrier. Plus, I might die in an instant the moment I see you.

I love you so much. We have daughters, and a fictional son, do you know? Our son’s name is KiHyun. He is 1 year and 10 months old. And there’s the  7 daughters from VIP Philippines : CC, Rhaz, Allen, Kaye, Jekk, Gillian, and Dianne. You have pretty children. Very beautiful children, I must say.

Anyway, enough with all the fantasies. Haha.

I wrote you this letter and I don’t mind if you won’t be able to read it. See, there’s just something about you that I cannot forget. It is those eyes that I love the most. I drown in them, it’s lovely.

I have a few wishes for you on your birthday.

GO get yourself a girlfriend. Anybody is fine, but please NOT SHIN MINAH . She’s pretty but I despise her. Go for Bom, nah she’s too old for you. Uhmm. Dara is a little too childish, but she’s okay. Hmm. Who could be the right girl for you? HAHA.

OH I HAVE AN IDEA!

How about ME?

Haha. Second wish. Well, you have to take care of your health, so I wish you good health all the time. All these fatigue makes you look so skinny. You and the rest of Big Bang should take care of your health. It’s so that you’ll look best all the time. :)

Third wish. I wish that your career will bloom some more and that more chances and opportunities will be opened for you and your group. You guys make Korean POP one of the Best Music makers in the world, so you better do your best ALL THE TIME.

Fourth, this one’s kinda personal, I’m not gonna tell.

HAHHA. Ok fine, I’ll spill some details.

I wish you would say my name even just once. KIDDINGGGG!

I wish you all the happiness in the world. Problems may arise, but I wish even with all the problems, you will still be smiling that pure and innocent smile of yours.

Hugs and Kisses,

Your lovely wife.